What a week. Last week was technically fall break, which I was obviously very excited about. Two whole days to catch up and try to get ahead on things!
Sike!
I ended up at mock trial practice literally ALL DAY Thursday, til about 9:30PM. Then went in to work all day Friday at the prosecutor’s office. But, hey, I did get sent home by a victim advocate two and a half hours into my day when she found me sobbing in a dark corner of my office because one thing too many went wrong and I broke. So I guess I got an afternoon off?
But, all too soon, Monday came. And with Monday came an email stating that my school would no longer be hosting law hooding ceremonies for December graduates after this year, but that December grads are “welcome to come back in May to be hooded.” Because that’s practical. As someone who literally just last week decided to go full steam ahead and graduate December 2027, that sucked.
Class registration for the spring opened. The rest of the day flew by. I stayed at school working until 5:30. Got home, walked the dogs, went on a run, and cooked dinner, just to sit down and continue working. Overall a normal law student evening. But I was still irked by then, and ended up being a bit unfair and took some internal emotions out on my boyfriend. Oops.
Tuesday. Time just seemed to be slipping through my fingers. I give a friend a ride on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we were going to leave at 8:40. Then 8:45. Then it was 8:52 and we were just leaving (through no fault of hers! It was all me). We walked into class right as it started. And, naturally, I was on call, because of course I was.
But the slippage of time didn’t stop there. Halfway through the day, I ran home to take the dogs out. I realized I needed to make an emergency CVS run (thankfully I live right next to one) before my next class. And throughout that, somehow my one hour (plenty of time!) to take care of the dogs and run to CVS, turned into me walking in two minutes late to my next class. Literally what is happening.
But as I was walking in, of course, I received four emails back to back.
Summer 2027 internship #1, one that I really, desperately wanted. Rejection.
Internship #2. Rejection.
Internship #3. Rejection.
Internship #4. Rejection.
Within minutes of each other.
So within the last five days I have 1) had a mental breakdown at work 2) been told I will not get a hooding ceremony upon graduation 3) snapped at someone I love 4) had a quick CVS emergency mid day run 5) been rejected from four internships 6) been late to two classes. What a week, right!
I don’t even know what I’m getting at here to be honest. I think I’m just ranting. The rejections suck. They hurt. They were all positions I am well and truly interested in. And not necessarily high paying — just a genuine interest and enough compensation to cover expenses. And with the week I have had, it seems only natural that I would start to doubt myself even further. Am I doing the right thing? Am I worthy of this degree? Am I good enough? Am I doing enough? Will it pay off? Does any of it even matter, or will I end up unemployed with $200k student loan debt? Will I end up letting down everyone around me? Are the people who told me I would never make it going to be right? Genuinely, is there something wrong with or un-hireable about me??
I don’t know. I feel so defeated right now. But I will keep getting up. Keep moving forward. Keep going to class, and working hard, and learning the material. I will keep trying, keep applying, keep going until God Himself comes down and tells me to stop. In the meantime, I have court to get to. And mock trial practice to attend. And a 10k to run on Saturday.
In hindsight, this semester might have been a bad time to ween off my anti-anxiety meds.
Song of the day: this is me trying – Taylor Swift
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