nightmare fuel

I had a dream last night that I failed the bar exam.

That test has been looming over me since I started law school in May 2025. Seeing the recent grads in the library studying 60 hours a week for ten weeks. Hearing a recent grad yell “what the F*CK!!!” when he thought no one else was near him and he was frustrated with the process. Then, four months later, seeing the posts of the people who passed the exam as I was halfway through fall semester 1L. And the process repeated the next semester for February takers. Then, this summer, seeing the absolute mess of the NextGen rollout between Missouri and Washington. 

Then, Friday, Missouri released their results. The posts on LinkedIn came. Someone asked if I knew the result of a specific student because he didn’t see their name on the list of soon-to-be-attorneys to be sworn in, but couldn’t fathom that person not passing. 

Then last night, as I was finalizing my schedule for 2L spring, I realized I will be graduating early. Which is a big thing. But the accompanying realization hit me that my bar exam is not four cycles away. It’s three.

So, naturally, I had a dream that I failed the test. And, to be clear, failing the bar exam is nothing to be ashamed of – lots of people fail. It’s hard. There are people Friday who received their results only to have to sit in that disappointment. But a nonpassing score on a first (or second, or even third) attempt of one of the hardest exams in the world does not make someone a failure. It does not make them less than their peers who passed on the first try. It does not make them dumb. It doesn’t even mean they failed to prepare properly. Because you can do everything right and still have something go wrong. You can do everything correctly and still get sick or nervous or just make dumb mistakes. And that is okay.

I have been set back a lot. As has anyone, it is part of being human. But, as always, what matters is what you do next. 

So these dreams of failing the bar exam are not new. I have had them before when I let the stress of everything eat at me. I know it is a real possibility that I don’t pass on my first try. Even though I will do absolutely everything in my power to ensure that I do. And I know that isn’t a problem for me right now. I mean, I still have two (and a half) more semesters. But it is something I am sure many people are facing right now. 

But it is funny, thinking of how my body subconsciously reacts to these scenarios and situations. I mean, I decided that I will graduate early, and in response my brain went “oh my God the bar! Failing! Aaah!” Wouldn’t the logical response be “wow that’s an achievement! See you are still* the hard worker you have always said you are!”

And, while my subconscious did not react in the positive way, my heart did. I wear a health monitoring ring (RingConn Gen 3), and the last several nights my heart rate and other indicators (I’m in law school not med school ok don’t ask) caused a stress score of 82+ every night while asleep for the last several nights. I woke up to notifications telling me I was “tense” and needed to “take a deep breath and relax” while I was asleep. But not last night. Despite having a dream about failing the biggest exam of my life, I woke up surprised to see my stress score was relatively low all night. My rest was better than it had been the days leading up. 

Now I am sure these health devices are not 100% accurate. I don’t exactly know how they work (again, law school not med school). But I do find it amusing and ironic that, when my brain is telling me to stress, my heart has moved past it and sits at peace. And vice versa.

This whole post is kind of just word vomit rambling. I think I went on like ten different tangents. But my overall point is the bar exam is scary, but it is not life or death. If passed on the first try, congrats. If not, that’s okay. Try again. Face the disappointment. Climb the mountain. 

And, for now, I’m not going to let a test that is 17 months away stress me out. I have plenty of other things to stress over in the meantime.

*I also graduated undergrad early; finishing in three years instead of four. I love school but I have a habit of overachieving I guess. 

Song of the day: Changes – David Bowie