take a break

Late post today. I finished my full time internship last week, then went out of town for a few days. So, needless to say, I have been lazy.

On the last day of my internship, many people asked me what was next, as the other interns (3Ls) are staying on throughout the fall semester. I told them I had a prosecution externship lined up in the fall, but in the meantime, my plans included sleeping, and lounging by the pool.

The problem is, though, that I am actually really bad at taking rest days. I intentionally decided to end my internship with a two week break before classes start. I meant to give myself a break. But I feel so guilty when I’m not doing things 24/7.

And it isn’t even just with school. Currently, I’m training for a 10k, and have chosen Wednesdays as built in rest days from working out every week. Mandatory training days are Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, with optional weekends. One mandatory rest day. And even today, I felt guilty. I took the time to rest, stock up on sleep, cuddle my dogs. But I did not work. And I did not workout. And still I felt guilty. Like I’m wasting these hours, like I don’t deserve to eat the same, like I am insulting people everywhere with my choice to rest. I didn’t even do any chores today – literally just rested. (Side note do NOT come at me with AI allegations for the em dash, I used them (properly, mind you) way before chat GPT did.)

I dedicate so much time to being productive, so why is it so hard to dedicate one day to being lazy? Why am I struggling so much with the idea that I need to just take a break. That it is okay to take a break. That it is necessary to take a break.

It will come to absolutely no surprise to anyone that I am and always have been a high achiever. There is no good enough, I can always be better, yatta yatta yatta. Everyone in law school is wired that way, otherwise we wouldn’t be putting ourselves through that. But how many of us actually build rest into our schedules? How many of us treat it as productivity? I know I don’t, that’s why today, and these two weeks, is a struggle. But how much would my morale, performance, and stamina increase if I did build those breaks in?

The new school year starts in less than two weeks. A new year. And, as with any new year, maybe it is time for a new resolution. So, this year, my plan is to build rest into my schedule. Every week, even if it is just a couple of hours. Force myself to disengage from school, from work, from working out, from mock trial, from chores. It can be anything – an extra nap, an extra walk with the dogs, a game of Scrabble, extra hours lounging on the couch with my boyfriend, a movie (rest already planned for November 20, emotional damage included #SunriseOnTheReaping), anything. The goal is to just disengage at least once a week and force myself to take a break. I wonder what I’ll notice. Maybe nothing. Maybe I’ll burn out slower. Maybe I’ll start to be okay with taking life as it comes, rather than at 100mph every second of the day. But regardless, this time is nonnegotiable, just as my classes are nonnegotiable. I have to make it just as important as everything else.

Hopefully, by the time December comes around, the forced breaks help keep me a little bit more sane as finals loom. Hopefully I feel a little more like me. Hopefully, I am able to cherish those breaks without feeling guilty. Because we all need to recover. So, on that note, enjoy the late post, I am going to go hang out with my dogs and boyfriend. It’s a rest day, after all.

Song of the day: Sign of the Times Harry Styles (I just watched Project Hail Mary ok)