my why

On my last post I mentioned my “why” for law school. I even mentioned I physically carry it with me everywhere. So, here it is.

Early afternoon on May 24, 2024, tears were streaming down my face as I held my 4 year old dog in my arms for the last time. Every possible emotion ran through me – utter heartbreak, unlike any I had known before, relief that he was no longer suffering, desperation that he forgave me for making the most difficult decision of my life, and pure anger at the injustice of his story and his too-short life. I am no stranger to loss or death, but I never truly grasped how grief can change a person until I lost Padfoot.

Ten months prior, I rescued this beautiful shaggy flat-coated retriever. Padfoot and I connected instantly, as if our souls were made of the same stuff, and they recognized each other. After spending the first years of his life abused and afraid, he knew he was finally safe. He knew he was finally home. I often wonder if he also knew he was dying. I doubt he knew how much he would come to alter the trajectory of my life, but maybe he did. Animals are rather perceptive, after all.

Every single day since losing him last spring, I have grieved. Of course, grief changes over time, and my grief today does not look the same as my grief in the fall, nor does it look the same as my grief in the early weeks after his passing. But it is there, and forevermore will be; guiding me, helping me come into my true passion and care in this world. As I continued with my life, I kept coming back to the question of “was there more I could have done to save him?”

Logically, I know the answer is no. After all, brain tumors are deadly in humans who receive treatment, let alone in animals who cannot be treated. But that did not change my anger at the person or people with whom he spent the first years of his life with – the ones who abused him and caused in him such a deep, devastating fear of the world around him. I could not save him, nor could I do anything about the people who did unimaginable harm to an innocent animal, but I could take this anger and apply it to my life.

Padfoot was not the first dog I have had who was rescued from abuse. My childhood dog had an incorrectly set rib due to a kick in her side as a puppy, and spent a year on the streets before she came to the shelter my family adopted her from. I was five, and felt the same burning rage then that I feel at 23 in regard to her mistreatment. I can, and have, fostered, adopted, and shown love to shelter animals, however they are not the only ones who need protection from the dark side of humanity. While wild animals such as the American Bison would normally not need human involvement to maintain their population, illegal poaching and destruction of habitats are human issues that require human solutions. No animal deserves to face the cruelty mankind can show, and it is important to protect them from the threats we as a species pose.

While I have always had a soft spot for animals, I never thought I would be the one to make an impact. However, throughout college and my two years working in the bridal industry in fashion design, I realized my current path may be fun, but it is not fulfilling. The ten months spent with Padfoot, and the long time grieving him after, led me to reevaluate what I truly desire

in my life, and the answer came to me clearly one fall morning. I never thought I would be the one to make an impact. But why not? What is stopping me from being the one to help save these animals, their habitats, and the world around us? If I am truly as passionate about animal protection, wildlife conservation, and sustainability as I say I am, why would I sit back and do nothing? 

This train of thought lit a fire in me. This train of thought made me decide to study for the LSAT while working full time, apply to law schools across the country, and embark on a long, hard, expensive educational journey. And I have not looked back since. As a physical reminder, I keep a photo of both Padfoot and Ginger, my childhood dog, in a locket around my neck I wear every day. I have a ring I wear, made with his birth stone, my birth flower, and strands of his fur in resin, I wear on my ring finger as a reminder of why I am doing what I am, even when it gets hard. While losing Padfoot was the most emotionally painful loss I have endured, the heartbreak I felt heals a little more each day knowing I am on my way toward protecting the animals that need it.

Song of the Day: loml, Taylor Swift